That benevolent force

How would I know of that benevolent force – that we may call God – unless I let myself have the experience of living on the edge? How would I know of a miraculous turn of events, beyond my control, if I hadn’t let go of the outcome and let that bigger-than-I force take over? In order to experience that Grace, I must be willing to let go of security first. It takes one thing: Trust in it. Things will be alright. Have faith in that which will hold me, and give up the idea that I need to hold myself. I am already held, always already supported, but the paradox is that I won’t find out until I am very close to experiencing the exact opposite of that.

It doesn’t always have to be extreme situations that we put ourselves in to reach this awareness within ourselves. Our rock bottom needn’t look like a complete misery. For some people it will – and for others it is enough to experience a much milder lesson to grasp it. I know people who are living seemingly functional lives with a lot of blessings, but who are so scared of the uncertain that they wouldn’t risk anything to step out of the comfort zone. Not a single penny. And they will never get to experience that moment of Grace.

I was in a place recently that felt hopeless and dark. I am not used to experiencing this because I am naturally hopeful and optimistic as a person, but it was a valuable lesson for me. I knew that I wasn’t in a good place to make any decisions during this period, because they would come from a place of fear – one in which the faith in that benevolent force was excluded. But to know what it’s like to have it, I must also know what it’s like not to have it – then I know what it is. And it takes my faith. I must believe for it to exist.

I see the value of living on the edge as someone who can witness that there is something benevolent out there willing to hold my back. If I am looking for a life of a lot of certainty and if I need to be able to predict everything beforehand, then this isn’t the right path. But I think it is my path to walk.